My mate asked me if I’d ever met a lazy campanologist. Doesn’t ring any bells.
There was a fat woman stood in front of the Italian section of the supermarket. I struggled to get pasta.
My alcoholism has got so out of control I was advised to visit BUPA. The thing is, I was so wasted, I read it backwards.
As my old nan used to say, a teaspoon of artificial sweetener helps the placebo go down.
I’m just looking for an 18 year old girl that looks 12 and takes it in the ass like a 40 year old male prostitute.
TIP: AUSTRALIANS. Get an idea of what it’s like to win the Ashes by proudly holding a bottle of Yakult above your head.
Hull is to be the UK’s City of Culture in 2017. That’s like making Joey Essex the Minister for Education.
Maybe people who’ve never been there writing Hull off as a shithole should actually go there and see for themselves what a shithole it is.
How many roads must a man walk down, before you call him a cab?
Think I’ve upset some mafia astronomers. I woke up this morning with the Horsehead Nebula in my bed.
I’m stuck on the motorway dying for a piss all I have is a Capri Sun packet and a straw. Anyone know how to fit a catheter?
If I wanted to watch a load of thick bastards eating bollocks and eyeballs, I’d go down the town centre and hang around by Greggs.
The Nazi Quest for the Holy Grail isn’t as much fun as the Monty Python version.
Michael Jackson’s hat he wore for Billie Jean is up for sale. Come on, don’t tell me that was most interesting thing in Michael’s closet.
Debating whether it’s even worth taking down last year’s Christmas tree now.
Does anyone know if Doctor Who is on any time soon?
TIP: If you’re in court and a judge asks you a true or false question, the best thing to do is to say ‘Tralse’ wink, then shoot your finger gun.
TIP: RENT BOYS. Enjoy ‘mutual’ masturbation by tossing off the chairman of a cooperative.
Lovely evening out. I did the full ‘Paul Flowers’.
I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and get real high, then I scream at the top of my lungs: “FENTON!”
Sometimes late at night,
I lay awake and watch her sleeping.
She’s lost in peaceful dreams so I turn out the light,
and have a wank.
I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them. I was lying to get sex.