Oops! I just realised… I’ve been writing in brackets since February).
News: Raised eyebrows among party activists, as Tony Blair claims Jeremy Corbyn could destroy Labour party “within 45 minutes”.
My new phone contract has unlimited texts.
And unlimited internet.
And 500 free minutes’ talk-time. Whatever the fuck that is?
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
News: Drone users who cause accidents told they face prison. Unless they fire a missile at a primary school, in which case, a light ticking-off.
Hey, married people who miss being single – when’s the last time you showed up at a bar and your wife was 4 stone heavier than she said he was?
I used to work at a shoe factory, getting rid of all the shoes that failed quality control. It was sole destroying.
I’ve got a solution to this seagull problem. I would put down free cannabis to feed every one of them in every seaside town. I would leave no tern unstoned.
I’m like Marmite. You either love me, hate me or use me as a masturbatory tool.
Anyone who survives the degradation of years of captivity is a hero in my book. I don’t know how Ivana Trump did it.
Relationship Status: I joined a tug of war team just so I’d have some friends to go on the pull with.
“Excuse me. Why are all your baked goods £2, except for that one there, which is £3?” “Because that’s Madeira cake”.
Am I a middle-aged white man who embarrasses his kids by using outdated Afro-American slang? Fo’ shizzle.
I’m just back from a gynaecologist refresher course at the hospital. I jacked in my training a while ago but I still go as I like to keep my hand in.
Welcome To Innuendo Club. If anyone needs a copy of the rules I can give you one after the class.
“I hear you’ve had a penis extension. How much did you get?” “The 3-litre Range Rover V6”
“Nice!”
Animal Fact: [no.624]
An ant can lift 1000 times its own body weight which equates to an average human. (Amendment)
It appears they can’t.
Remember that to be politically correct you now need to refer to it as ‘Democratic Republic of The Um Bongo’.
Tony Blair’s advice to Labour raises important questions. Like how can they afford his fees?
“My dog has no nose!”
“How does he smell?”
…
…
“HE USES A DEVICE”.
People seem surprised that Donald Trump is stupid even though he’s named after a building in New York. Duh.