Bumped into my mate’s wife earlier when she was out in the park walking the dog. We started chatting as the dog took a break and I said “Did you bring the little shit bag?” She said “No, he’s on the couch watching the football”.
I lost my numbered ticket in this hospital waiting room and the receptionist just tore me a new one.
Adele, seriously if you’ve called him a thousand time but he’s never home, might be well worth trying him on his mobile.
I’ve just found a room full of mathematicians. There’s loads of graph paper too. I bet they’re plotting something.
I can hear Maori chanting in the background when I make a call on my mobile. I hope it’s not a phone haka.
I always cherish that “extra hour” at this time of year. It gives me just enough time to work out how to change the clock on the oven.
“Some Hollywood actors got into a fight in my local pub last night.” “Have ya barred ’em?”
“No, but his wife, Penelope Cruz was there”.
TIP: Men. Accentuate parts of your body you like e.g. nice smile, to draw attention away from problem areas, e.g. consistently poor judgement.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
“You have to look at the big picture” ~ Aggressive museum guard.
Hey, thanks for defining the word ‘many’ for me. It means a lot.
Just watching the tennis. I’m hearing Venus Williams is unseeded for a second year. I can’t help thinking that with a bit of lippy and a push up bra she might improve her chances.
“I’m going to bloke with fan your sphinx so hard you won’t be able to dog head for a walking bird” ~ Ancient Egyptian sext.
My mate has asked me to help him build Birmingham’s largest Italian restaurant by December but I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to do it. It’s a big Ask.
Just got back and the wife had her legs spread open sitting on the armchair. I said “Have you got a pair of crotchless knickers on?” She said “Yes”. I said “Thank fuck for that, I thought you’d sat on the cat”.
Reverend Spooner has asked me to remind everyone that the cocks go black tonight.
I like Halloween because I can pretend that the cobwebs all over the house are decorations.
I went by the house where I grew up today and asked to go in, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so fucking rude.
Phones nowadays are so expensive, when you fall and hear a crack, you pray it’s your fucking leg.