TIP: Convince people that you are cabin crew by pulling a curtain around you when you put the kettle on.
Devastating that scientists say bacon causes cancer and we face the fact that we’ll have to give up science.
I like to relax by analysing every social interaction I’ve ever had until I hate myself.
Has anyone examined the possibility that cancer might be hereditary in white rats?
I won The Most Paranoid Man in Britain last year. Officially I came third but we know these things are rigged.
I want a lady in the street and a lady in the sheets. I want one lady covering the exits, one watching the car park, and one sniping from the
Welcome to the Shouting Club hotline. We’re currently experiencing very high call volumes.
I’m worried about my friend who’s suffering from paranoia. I’m going to follow him around to make sure he doesn’t get into trouble.
Look on the bright side. If bacon really does cause cancer soon we’ll all get to enjoy the glory of designated Bacon Areas outside pubs.
Great weekend for Adam Johnson. First he scores against Newcastle, and now it’s half-term.
NEWS: ’15 year old arrested for TalkTalk hacking’. The lengths some kids will go to convince parents they weren’t looking at porn.
Just got an email about processed meat causing cancer but I think it’s just spam.
Looks like tomorrow I’ll be beginning my campaign for plain packaging for bacon.
I’m sick and tired of women not treating me like a piece of meat. Uh, hello? My crotch is *down there*.
My mate said “I did my best to rescue the dog but dropped him down the water-buckety hole”. I said “You meant well”.
I had a really tough time looking up imposter in the dictionary. It was near impossible.
Chelsea are out of the Capital One Cup after a penalty shootout, none of which were penalties, according to José Mourinho.
Just got back from a six mile run, had a kale and quinoa smoothie, and now I’m still lying in bed thinking up other lies to tell you.
[Me, sky diving]
Instructor: “You ready?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Instructor: “You pumped?”
Me: “Yeah, sorry I’m a bit nervous”.
Ex-PM Tony Abbott tells Europe to close its borders to migrants like Australia did. Or at least, should have done in 1788.
NEWS: ‘Cameron hopes to push for better deal in Iceland’. Critics claim he’ll struggle to beat the frozen Lasagne Peter Andre got for a quid.
Just picked up our Bucks Fizz costumes for the fancy dress. The jumpers and trousers were pretty reasonable, but the skirts are a rip off.