I always think that women are like fine wines. You can get them cheaper if you go abroad.
Who’s your favourite James Bond? Mine’s the one they make all the spy films about.
I may be a man, but even I know tampons aren’t a luxury item. Judging by the wife’s reaction on Christmas morning.
Girl next to me at work says I “creep her out”. Pretty rich considering her outfit in this ‘Halloween 2011’ Facebook album.
Just been reading about a German guy who’s died whilst trying to clear his digestive system using sausages. His own wurst enema.
Why do I like eating in restaurants? Well, they have smaller sets of cutlery, and that’s just for starters.
WARNING: Objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
One of the healthiest drinks is fresh equine saliva. And that’s straight from the horse’s mouth.
In hell you have to spend eternity with people who tell you what their tattoos mean.
If you sit on your parents until they go numb, it feels like they’re bitterly disappointed in someone else.
“Hi, do you have any porn?”
“Sir! Really! This is a library!”
“Oh, sorry” *whispers* “do you have any porn?”
[narrating a documentary about chameleons]
“These fucking idiots think we can’t see them”.
“What do we want?”
“More racing car impressions!”
“When do we want it?”
“Nyyyooowwww……”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut. Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on for fucks sake. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I was driving down a country lane when I shunted the car in front at a junction. The lady got out and yelled “Ram me up the arse, why don’t you!!!” And this, your Honour, is where the misunderstanding started.
I wonder if dogs walking through town see police dogs and think “Oh fuck, it’s the law”.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
CNN reports Hurricane Patricia “hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages with equal ferocity.” What, did they expect wealth-based discernment?
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
The video for Hotel California is on YouTube. You can check it out any time you like.
Just been woken up by Michael Carrick’s penalty hitting my bedroom window.